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Episode 2

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Published on:

27th Aug 2025

Peters Savage Solution Ep 2 (Demonic Cats, Vegan Nightmares & Shower Door Scandals)

Welcome back to the show where your fucked-up problems become Peter's entertainment. This week's disasters include: a girlfriend convinced her cat is possessed by demons (spoiler: it's just an asshole), a psychotic roommate secretly feeding someone's cat VEGAN food, and a babysitter whose client has mysteriously vanished (theories range from murder to basement dungeons).

Plus: public prank revenge plots, Taylor Swift vs. wedding drama, hygiene-challenged boyfriends, utility-demanding shower exhibitionists, and a fake Instagram stalker whose alter ego might just get them promoted.

Joined by Shaun and Carissa for maximum chaos and zero filter. Fair warning: contains explicit language, questionable advice, and way too many references to bodily functions.

Explicit Content Warning: This episode contains strong language and adult themes throughout.

Got a messy problem that needs savage solutions? Send your disasters to [submission email] – Peter's ready to roast your life choices with zero sugar-coating.

Transcript
Peter:

Welcome back to Savage Solutions, the show where your fucked

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:

up problems become my entertainment.

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:

I'm Peter, your guide through this

absolute shit show of humanity and today's

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batch of disasters did not disappoint.

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We've got people screwing with cats,

partners screwing with each other,

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and roommates who really need to

be evicted with a flame thrower.

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Basically, it's the usual blend of bad

decisions, questionable memorials, and me

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trying not to scream what the actual fuck?

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Every five seconds.

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Let's dive in.

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Peter (2): Welcome back Podcast bitches.

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How are you guys doing today?

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I am joined with Sean and Carissa.

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Hello?

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Hello.

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Carissa: I'm doing fantastic.

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I'm ready to do this.

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Shaun: I am so happy for you.

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Carissa: Who are we talking shit about?

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Shaun: I don't know.

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You guys tell me.

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We can start off with a listener

submission if you would like.

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All right.

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Get to it.

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Get to it.

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I can't wait to hear this bullshit.

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All right.

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Hey Peter.

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My girlfriend is convinced our cat

Pickles is possessed because she's

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always staring at her when she's on Zoom.

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When.

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Hmm.

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I like it.

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Demonic pussy, keep going.

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And he's knocked over her

crystals off the windshield.

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Window sill, geez, I cannot speak today.

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Knocked her crystals off the window sill.

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She wants to hire a pet psychic and

keeps burning sage in the apartment.

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Is it wrong to think that

pickles is just an asshole and

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my girlfriend being dramatic?

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Should I go along with this

or stage an intervention?

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Carissa: Throw the cat out.

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What the fuck?

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Shaun: So I would say that she needs

to stop burning the fucking sage.

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'cause she's probably

making the cat high as fuck.

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It's not a demon, it's just seeing

demons because she's burning

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sage and now it has cancer.

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That's not fucking cute.

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And I don't think you should go

along with it because now you're

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feeding into her absolute bullshit.

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And what is a pet psychic?

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Is that a thing?

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I don't know.

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Should I look it up?

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I don't know.

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Carissa: I've never heard of that before.

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Shaun: It fucking sounds stupid.

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It sounds like a waste of money

for a demonically possessed pussy.

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I did not know that your pussies could

get possessed, but it makes sense because

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it does look demonic when I see them.

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But this cavernous hole of a

cat is not a demon possessed.

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Her boyfriend sucks.

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He needs to just get it together, buck up

and tell the bitch where to put that cat.

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Carissa: That cat needs

to go back into the wild.

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Shaun: Yeah, it's feral because

it can't stand her with her

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fucking energy crystals.

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It keeps knocking 'em off.

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The freaking what?

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The counter, the window cell.

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Carissa: It could be demonic.

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It could be an alien.

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Shaun: Yeah, it could be.

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So pet psychics, sometimes called animal

communicators are people who claim

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they can telepathically or intuitively

connect with pets to understand their

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feelings, thoughts, or even health issues.

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This sounds like someone who does a lot

of ayahuasca and then sits there with

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like their forehead to the cat and thinks

they can hear it, but really they're like

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tasting colors 'cause they're so high.

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Listen, I like to think that I'm

very in touch with our animals.

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Not where I was going with that.

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We have two of them with

how they're feeling, but.

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I don't claim to be a animal communicator.

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Issa talks to animals.

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Carissa: I talk to animals all the time.

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Shaun: I talk to them.

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You why?

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She talks to moths.

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Carissa: They don't fucking talk back.

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Shaun: Yeah, they do.

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I

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Carissa: don't talk to moths.

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What are you talking about?

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You've been out

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Shaun: chasing moths recently?

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Carissa: I do things like that sometimes.

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It's quite peaceful.

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Shaun: We all have to have our hobbies.

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I really hate that people think that

cats are like these evil things.

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I honestly, we have two cats and a dog,

but I think that the cats are probably the

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better pet because they don't love you.

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Their love is conditional, so

you actually have to earn it.

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Whereas the dog just loves you

unconditionally and runs around,

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chases you and your shadow

makes noise and it's not cute.

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Carissa: It is kind of cute.

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Shaun: It isn't.

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It isn't.

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I don't like when men chase you

around and like little puppy dogs,

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but like this cat's not possessed.

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This person is possessed.

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Carissa: I definitely don't

like when men chase me around.

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I'm all set.

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Shaun: I don't like

energy crystals either.

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I really don't.

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You don't.

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Why?

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No, because I think they're stupid.

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Where does the energy come from?

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What do you do with the energy?

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Where does the crystal go?

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I don't know.

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So many questions.

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Carissa: I have one.

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Shaun: Shove it up your ass.

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All right, next caller.

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We have another one about

a cat if you'd like.

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Oh my God.

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Another

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Carissa: What is with the cat?

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Shit so much.

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Shaun: Well, this one is from Pu Reddit.

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Pusy.

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This one is from Reddit.

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So much pussy.

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I do not know what to do with this.

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We know you love pussy.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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It sounds like it doesn't it?

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All right.

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I figured since this was Carissa's first

episode of Peter's Savage Solutions,

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that it would be the right thing to

have it start off with a lot of pussies.

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And she is a resident

lesbian licking pussy.

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We didn't talk about

wet talk about that yet.

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I did not, but I guess

we're getting there.

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We're getting there.

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We'll get there.

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Carissa: Okay.

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Can't wait.

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Shaun: There's time.

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Carissa: I'm looking forward to that part.

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Shaun: Alright.

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My roommate is secretly

feeding my cat vegan food.

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I 26-year-old female live

with my best friend, 27.

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Female and my cat muffin.

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I recently noticed muffin's been

acting weird ignoring her food.

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I wonder why extra lethargic

and her fur is looking dull.

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I confronted my roommate and she admitted

she's been secretly swapping muffin's

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food with vegan cat food 'cause she

wants muffin to live a cruelty-free life.

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I'm furious and told her to stop,

but she says I'm being species.

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It.

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That's a fucking nevermind.

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What continue.

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What the fuck am I the jerk for

demanding she stop feeding my

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cat vegan food behind my back.

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How do I handle this?

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Without World War III breaking

out in our apartment, you can't.

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Why the fuck is she

feeding her vegan food?

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The vegan food?

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Why is, I didn't even

know that was a thing.

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There's so many plants that are

toxic for cats, so why are you

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literally feeding them plants?

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You don't know what's in that.

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You're being the cruel motherfucker.

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Why are you feeding ve?

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You know how I feel about vegan?

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You know how I feel about vegans.

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Carissa: I think all of our listeners

know how you feel about vegans.

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Yes.

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At this point,

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Shaun: why would you force

the cat to eat vegan food?

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Where does it even come from?

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Listen, cats already, their

poop already smells bad enough.

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I can only imagine what vegan

cat food would do to cat poop.

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It makes it fucking melt into the carpet.

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I don't know what's going on with people.

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You know what I would do?

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This is how I would suggest to them

that they stop feeding my fucking cat.

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I would replace their

milk with actual milk.

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So that they shut their fucking

brains out because I can't take it.

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Don't feed my cat vegan food.

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If you are, I'm just gonna see, I would,

this is the kind of person I would put

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hot sauce in their fucking contact lenses.

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I don't like it.

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There you have it.

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You should, if you're

listening, I hope you are.

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You should put hot sauce

in her contact lenses.

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Yeah.

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If she has them.

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Otherwise milk in her oat milk

or take her toothbrush and

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shove it in the cat litter box.

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Carissa: Ew.

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Shaun: Yeah.

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Carissa: Ew.

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I didn't even know what to say to that.

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Shaun: Yeah, I was speechless for

a second vegan fucking cat food.

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You don't wanna kill animals, that's fine.

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But the animal in can

only eat what you give it.

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And I hope it eats your fucking face when

it's starving, I hope it eats your face.

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I think Carissa has something for us.

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Oh boy.

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Carissa: I do have something for us.

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Shaun: Is this about pussy fluttering,

because I can't deal with that right now.

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No.

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Carissa: We're gonna take

a break from that for now.

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Okay.

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Shaun: No pussy in this one.

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Carissa: I'm babysitting and

the mom hasn't come back.

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Shaun: Oh, there is a pussy in this.

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This one.

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Oh my God.

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I'm

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Carissa: 22-year-old female and

babysitting for a regular client of mine.

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She has three children,

ages five, seven, and 13.

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She asked me if I could

watch the kids until 5:30 PM.

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I texted her at 5:00 PM asking if I

should make the kids dinner because

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they were hungry or if she had dinner

plans, but I didn't get a reply.

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Shaun: Feed them vegan

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Carissa: Texted again at 6:30 PM asking

if everything is okay and still no reply.

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It is now 7:00 PM and I have

tried calling with no response.

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What should I do?

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Shaun: Call the police.

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Is she dead?

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Carissa: No shit.

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Shaun: So I was gonna say that

she was in some serial killer's

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trunk, but you guys beat me two a

I, sorry, I jumped the gun there.

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Yeah.

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Either you're their new mom or

mommy's dead in a ditch somewhere.

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'cause yeah, call the fucking cops

or don't, if you wanna collect

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the child support, that's fine.

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Like you get a nice tax break at the

end of the year, you can claim them you

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can become their, what do you call that?

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Their

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Carissa: foster parent?

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Shaun: No, not the foster parent.

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That means, or legal guardian.

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Yes.

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No.

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The foster parent implies

that you give them back and

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Carissa: give them back to someone, and

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Shaun: we know we want to keep that check.

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Carissa: My question is, where's the dad?

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Shaun: Is that a real question?

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In this day and age.

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Carissa: That's a good point.

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Shaun: Where's the dad?

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The dad is the one that drove her off the

fucking cliff in the trunk of the car.

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You're probably right, dad.

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I was gonna say, when

you say, where's the dad?

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I was gonna say, isn't that what

the question always is these days?

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Like where do you go?

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Why the fuck is he a scumbag?

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Dead deadbeat.

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Yeah.

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It's fair.

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She's, it's really sad, but

she's probably buried in some oil

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drum in the middle of the woods.

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Oh my God.

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She's, that no one will ever find unless

they find the father, because he's clearly

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wanted to off his wife and now he's

leaving you and you're their new mother.

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So, or maybe that's it.

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Maybe she's having an affair with the

dad and the wife found out, so she

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ran off, so she, to leave her with

the responsibilities of the children.

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Is it really an affair?

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This is very chaotic.

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If you had him first.

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Is it really an affair?

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No, I'm saying maybe the babysitter.

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Babysitter is having an affair

babysitter with the husband.

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Carissa: Oh, okay.

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And the wife's just like, fuck this shit.

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I'm out.

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Shaun: You can deal with my kids.

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You can deal with the kids.

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And his, or drove herself off

the, his smelly ass on his dirty

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fucking laundry with his skid marks.

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Ew.

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Do women actually do their laundry

for their husbands anymore?

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I don't know.

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It's a real question anyway.

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I mean, it just, yeah, she probably

got all in her feelings and drove

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herself off the nearest cliff.

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Carissa: Yeah, she pulled

a little, some shady,

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Shaun: or the baby sitter killed her.

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The babysitter killed her.

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That's a good

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Carissa: one.

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I like that.

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That's a good theory.

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I like this theory because, and

the funny thing though is the baby

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babysitter's the one asking for advice.

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Yeah.

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And that's

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Shaun: obviously why she didn't

call the police because she did it

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Carissa: right.

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What a great alibi.

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She,

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Shaun: she started spin off

from this where we investigate

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this woman's disappearance.

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She's tied up in the basement with

a ball gag and a dildo in her ass.

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That's what the babysitter did to her.

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Carissa: And how did we

revert back to pussy?

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Shaun: Who knows why.

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Why is, who knows these things?

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Why is there a dildo in her ass?

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We're funsies the

babysitter's a sick bitch.

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Carissa: That's why.

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Babysitter's a dominatrix.

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That's it.

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Shaun: Wow.

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Yeah.

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And she's gonna go down

there and flog the bitch.

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Things went.

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Went wild for a minute.

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Carissa: You were gonna say south,

but then you knew he would've

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taken that somewhere else.

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I,

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Shaun: yeah.

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I don't they were down

south there with that dildo.

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There it is.

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Oh Lord,

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Carissa: there it is.

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At least it

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Shaun: was pointed north.

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Carissa: We hope.

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Shaun: Oh yeah.

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Carissa: You know insane

stories of the er.

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Yeah.

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Could be sideways.

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Shaun: If it was in there like

upside down, that little suction

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cup would be like a plunger

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Carissa: for the inten.

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My God,

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Shaun: that's terrible.

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Unless it didn't have a plunger, in

which case you don't have enough money.

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So maybe you should

invest in a suction cup.

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Mr.

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Dependable, moving on.

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All right.

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Chris, do you have another

one or do you want me to go?

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I will

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Carissa: let you take it away

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Shaun: all.

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I've got one from Reddit here.

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She's clearly had enough of me.

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My boyfriend pranks me in public.

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Should I prank him back?

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My boyfriend, 23 Male.

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Oh God.

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As he is your boyfriend, I would assume.

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Anyway, thinks it's hilarious to

prank me in public fake proposals,

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pretending to trip and spill coffee

on me, or hiding my shoes at the gym.

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I've asked him to stop, but he says it's

just his humor and I'm being uptight.

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I want to get revenge with the

public prank of my own, but I also

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don't wanna stoop to his level.

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Should I go full petty and prank him back,

or is there a better way to make him stop?

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She should absolutely prank him back.

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She should go and she should get her

little tight short shorts for the gym.

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And when he decides to steal her

frigging shoes, pull out full on Merkin.

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So it's sticking out on either side.

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Carissa: Oh my gosh.

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And be like

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Shaun: twirling it and

say You like it, baby.

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I know you do.

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I'm sorry it's not braided for you.

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Oh my God.

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Like it normally is God, it

sounds like this asshole.

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Well, he's 23 is the kind of

guy to like prank somebody while

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shoving his finger in their ass.

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This is, that's what he sounds like.

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Yeah.

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He's not gonna get the message

until you prank him back.

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To be honest, you could put hair on your

nipples too and expose them at the gym.

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That could be fun.

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Oh my God, yeah.

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I can give you a lot of options here.

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Crank him back.

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Yeah.

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Or since everybody looks like a

bingo marker nowadays the hair shave

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his head, my shave his head while

he's sleeping, shave his head and

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then glue it to his pubic area.

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Shave everything though.

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His eyebrows, his eyelashes,

eyebrows, eyelashes.

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And then to get like the final

satisfaction, take one wax strip and

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take off the last eyebrow, and then

you glue that shit to his pubic area.

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Glue it.

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So it's like a huge muff down there.

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Carissa: Oh my God.

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And he has to pull it.

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Shaun: He has to pull that shit off.

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It's gonna hurt so bad he

won't prank you ever again.

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I thought that was sound advice.

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Oh, okay.

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Yeah, that sounds like I maybe don't

say you got that advice from us.

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This is on the internet.

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We're

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Carissa: getting, we're getting canceled.

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Shaun: I do not condone

this advice, but she might.

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Someone might.

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How about this also from Reddit.

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My friend's wedding is on the

same day as Taylor Swift concert.

411

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My best friend is getting married the

same day as Taylor Swift's concert.

412

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These people are white,

obviously, I can already tell.

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I have front row tickets

that I bought a year ago.

414

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She expects me to be her maid

of honor, but I told her I can't

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miss the concert of a lifetime.

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Now she's furious.

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It says I'm choosing a

pop star over her big day.

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Am I the asshole for skipping

her wedding for Taylor Swift?

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Yes,

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Carissa: yes, yes you are.

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What the fuck?

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Shaun: Absolutely.

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Taylor Swift makes an

album every three months.

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There will be other concerts.

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She that, that girl is nowhere or

woman is nowhere near Dun Touring.

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Yeah.

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So you are an asshole.

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Your friend gets married.

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Once every nine years.

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So you're gonna, you're gonna

miss this and you can't, you

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don't even have a good alibi.

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I'm sorry.

433

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You bought the tickets a year ago.

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Your friend got engaged

a year and a half ago.

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So you're being a dick wad.

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Sell the tickets.

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Sell the tickets, and then

go to Vegas with the money.

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'cause you know, those things go

for a ton of money with scalpers.

439

:

Yeah.

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You're a fucking bitch.

441

:

Become, be the maid of honor.

442

:

You're a bitch.

443

:

Sorry.

444

:

Free champagne.

445

:

An ugly ass dress that you get to

keep for the rest of your life.

446

:

And Taylor Swift is never

gonna know who you are.

447

:

Yeah.

448

:

Taylor Swift isn't gonna have no idea

whether you were in the front row or not.

449

:

I hope you're short so she can't see

you 'cause she, she's like six feet.

450

:

Let's be honest.

451

:

When they're up there and they have all

those lights, they can't see anyone.

452

:

Let alone, I hope she's short.

453

:

I hope she's four 11 and she's in the

front row and she just looks like a

454

:

little kid jumping around in the pit.

455

:

And then Taylor says can

somebody escort this small child

456

:

out of the front row there?

457

:

Can someone escort this small

child out of the venue, please?

458

:

Yeah.

459

:

She, I hope she's like eye

level with Taylor Swift asshole.

460

:

So she can fart in it.

461

:

Carissa: Oh my god.

462

:

Pink eye.

463

:

Yes.

464

:

Shaun: And then she's gonna be like,

I got pink eye from Taylor Swift.

465

:

Yeah.

466

:

You're gonna put all the selfies online.

467

:

She's got like conjunctivitis

and her eyes are closing.

468

:

Carissa: She's gonna

get so many followers.

469

:

Yes.

470

:

That

471

:

Shaun: is.

472

:

Bottle it.

473

:

Bottle it.

474

:

Bed Taylor Swift fart.

475

:

Can you imagine how much that goes for?

476

:

Carissa: Oh my god.

477

:

Shaun: Jar that.

478

:

Shut up.

479

:

Anyway, that went really off course.

480

:

Yeah.

481

:

You're an asshole.

482

:

Be the maid of honor.

483

:

Carissa: I got one.

484

:

Alright, are you ready?

485

:

Yep.

486

:

My parents don't approve of my girlfriend.

487

:

She doesn't know yet.

488

:

What should I do?

489

:

I'm feeling torn about what just happened.

490

:

I've been in a relationship with

my girlfriend for two years.

491

:

She's always respectful and polite

towards my parents, has helped me improve

492

:

my personal hygiene, supported me, oh

my God, in quitting smoking, and even

493

:

motivated me to save more money over time.

494

:

Shaun: So she washed his ass or him,

495

:

Carissa: however.

496

:

She's not Catholic, and that's

why the parents don't like her.

497

:

Shaun: Oh, give me a fucking break.

498

:

Give me a break.

499

:

So the reason that this religion even

comes into frigging like question about

500

:

this is because when you don't have a

religion, you're a wild fucking person.

501

:

So her punani is probably all

over his face every fucking night.

502

:

So their parents don't like that

because they probably sleep in

503

:

separate beds and they touch each

other like once every 10 years.

504

:

Yeah, but that's not even that's personal.

505

:

I know what you're saying, but like I've

known, known people who are not religious

506

:

and they're not necessarily wild.

507

:

They just aren't religious.

508

:

She's religiously putting

her fucking PPO in his mouth.

509

:

Okay.

510

:

Probably is.

511

:

That's why they don't like her.

512

:

Well, that all the more power to her.

513

:

He doesn't smell like pigpen anymore.

514

:

They should be thanking him,

515

:

Carissa: right?

516

:

Shaun: Yeah.

517

:

Yeah.

518

:

She washed his ass and balls

and she gave him a haircut and

519

:

she told him to stop smoking.

520

:

Then she washes hair

and his balls some more.

521

:

Yeah.

522

:

So he smells great.

523

:

He doesn't smell like

ass soup on a hot day.

524

:

She washed them with

his to, with her tongue.

525

:

Ew, you're fucking gross.

526

:

You went too far.

527

:

Can you imagine that?

528

:

If he has leather seats while

he's driving, oh my God.

529

:

And he didn't know how to wash down there.

530

:

That would be like a what?

531

:

A clam boil.

532

:

A fish fry.

533

:

It would smell disgusting on a hot day.

534

:

You'd have to assume that if he

wasn't cleaning the front very well.

535

:

The back wasn't doing so good either.

536

:

I was worried about the back

'cause that smells worse.

537

:

But how, why?

538

:

I don't even

539

:

Carissa: wanna think about that.

540

:

How did she get in

541

:

Shaun: the relationship?

542

:

Because if he smelled that

bad, did she smell it before?

543

:

Did she have COVID?

544

:

Carissa: That's a great point, because

why would you date somebody that smells?

545

:

Shaun: Yeah.

546

:

Right.

547

:

Was that just like an afterthought

that he showered the one time and

548

:

then she fell in love with him

549

:

Carissa: and then he was not showering?

550

:

It could be.

551

:

Shaun: Or did she like see through it?

552

:

She's like, he has such potentially

so attractive if he would just bathe.

553

:

Ew.

554

:

That shouldn't be like the second thought.

555

:

No.

556

:

Mm-hmm.

557

:

Did he just wash for

dates one through five?

558

:

Carissa: He must have, I'm assuming,

559

:

Shaun: what are we talking

about with hygiene here?

560

:

Are we talking about like pits?

561

:

Are we talking about ass feet?

562

:

Carissa: There was, there were

no specifics here on this.

563

:

It was just like personal hygiene was,

that's where I'm stuck, upgraded, I guess.

564

:

Shaun: Let me upgrade Jim.

565

:

It sounds like you're his parents.

566

:

Liked him a dirty little pig slut.

567

:

Carissa: Yeah, they probably did.

568

:

Oh,

569

:

Shaun: they wanted to be

like that peanut character.

570

:

Was it?

571

:

Pigpen.

572

:

Pigpen, yeah.

573

:

Yeah.

574

:

She, they liked him dirty and disgusting.

575

:

'cause he probably smelled like

a man, you know what I mean?

576

:

Yeah.

577

:

And then she cleaned him up and now

he, they're like, he smells like

578

:

coconuts and limes and lavender.

579

:

What do you think she,

he smells like her Queef.

580

:

Oh, maybe.

581

:

Oh, it could

582

:

Carissa: be.

583

:

Shaun: Yeah.

584

:

And the mom's jealous.

585

:

Yeah.

586

:

Yeah, because her smells like halitosis.

587

:

Ooh, palosi.

588

:

How?

589

:

That's disgust.

590

:

That's disgusting.

591

:

Have you ever eaten garlic?

592

:

And then brows your teeth?

593

:

Still, it doesn't go away.

594

:

And then you wake up in the morning

and you have the worst fucking breath.

595

:

Meat wears.

596

:

Breath.

597

:

Carissa: Yeah.

598

:

Or onions.

599

:

The same thing with onions.

600

:

It's awful.

601

:

Meatballs.

602

:

Shaun: Exactly.

603

:

Meatball that.

604

:

That's whats the mother's

clea smells like.

605

:

Ugh.

606

:

Yeah.

607

:

A combination of all three.

608

:

Yeah.

609

:

Carissa: Yep.

610

:

The nightmare.

611

:

Shaun: Onions, garlic and meatballs.

612

:

I don't think they're ever gonna like you.

613

:

That's my advice.

614

:

It sounds like they don't think you're

good enough, or they might think

615

:

that you're too good for their side.

616

:

And I'm gonna be honest, there's,

you're lucky if you end up with.

617

:

In-laws or a partner whose parents

you have a good relationship with,

618

:

because it, a lot of times it just

doesn't pan out that way because

619

:

parents always want what they think

is best for their kids and it's.

620

:

It's always hard for them to

think that their kids just

621

:

found what's right for them.

622

:

Right.

623

:

For some parents, I'm lucky

enough to be part of a family

624

:

where that's not the case.

625

:

But, you know,

626

:

Carissa: they actually hate you.

627

:

Secretly, they just,

628

:

Shaun: they're like,

no it's quite evident.

629

:

Carissa: Peter's just a raging asshole and

they allow you to stay here because of it.

630

:

At

631

:

Shaun: least I fucking shower.

632

:

It's once a week, but I shower, oh my God.

633

:

I shower more than once a week,

so if you ever see me out in

634

:

public, I swear I don't smell like

ass on a hot fucking summer day.

635

:

Well, or I might, I don't know.

636

:

It depends on if that shower day or not.

637

:

We have time for maybe one or two more.

638

:

Yeah.

639

:

What do you got?

640

:

Alright, they're quick.

641

:

So I have this one.

642

:

Dear Savage Solutions, my roommate's

boyfriend has basically moved in.

643

:

He showers with the door open, leaves

his beard, trimmings everywhere, and

644

:

just told us we owe him $50 each for

utilities because he does the dishes.

645

:

My roommate thinks he's hilarious.

646

:

Should I Venmo him one penny with a

note that says, for your ego, or is

647

:

it time to for me to just move out?

648

:

Move out.

649

:

Why are you giving him a penny?

650

:

You don't like?

651

:

Wait, hold on.

652

:

You said he showers with the door open?

653

:

Yeah.

654

:

Is that not payment enough?

655

:

Is he a big guy?

656

:

I don't know.

657

:

Don't know.

658

:

We don't have specifics here.

659

:

No.

660

:

He washes the dishes, so I don't know.

661

:

Is he Asian?

662

:

I don't know.

663

:

She sounds like she's not

getting enough payment, so.

664

:

This is weird.

665

:

I would not give him the penny.

666

:

I don't even move out $50.

667

:

Just don't give it to him.

668

:

Just don't give it to him.

669

:

What the fuck are you doing?

670

:

Why are you even considering this?

671

:

Yeah.

672

:

Did you wanna help him wash his asshole?

673

:

Is that why?

674

:

Probably she

675

:

Carissa: might.

676

:

Shaun: Yeah, this is fucking stupid.

677

:

Carissa: This goes back to the

girlfriend that created the

678

:

boyfriend with the good hygiene,

679

:

Shaun: right?

680

:

He lost, I think this

681

:

Carissa: is the same person.

682

:

I was gonna

683

:

Shaun: say, maybe it's her roommate.

684

:

Carissa: Ooh.

685

:

It could

686

:

Shaun: be.

687

:

Yeah, it could be.

688

:

But he showers with the door open

so that should be payment enough.

689

:

That's it.

690

:

Is she a lesbian?

691

:

In which case.

692

:

She's getting assaulted with

her retinas every fucking time.

693

:

He showers with a door open, or is

she just like getting a lady boner

694

:

and she wants to Venmo him a penny?

695

:

It's not for his big ego.

696

:

A big ego got a real big ego.

697

:

Is it only worth a penny?

698

:

Maybe.

699

:

Maybe that's why she's mad.

700

:

Maybe it's not big.

701

:

Maybe he's like not packing down there.

702

:

Does he wash the dishes with it?

703

:

Naked maybe.

704

:

Maybe that's it.

705

:

Yeah.

706

:

Maybe he, like he scrubs

the dishes with his pen.

707

:

That could be fun to watch.

708

:

Carissa: That's

709

:

Shaun: disgusting.

710

:

I pay $50 for that.

711

:

That would be, and she's like, I

have to rewash my dishes anyway,

712

:

so I'm not giving him this money.

713

:

Yeah.

714

:

Do that.

715

:

Venmo him, and then when you do the

dishes, then you can ask him to Venmo you.

716

:

Yeah.

717

:

Or pay you or dick you down, whatever.

718

:

Whatever comes first.

719

:

Oh my God.

720

:

You can ask to shower with him.

721

:

That is payment.

722

:

Yeah, that's a good one.

723

:

Yeah, she sounds stupid.

724

:

Don't give him the penny.

725

:

Just watch him shower.

726

:

He'll stop.

727

:

He'll stop doing the dishes.

728

:

Carissa: Just stand there as you're

washing a dish and watching him shower.

729

:

Yes, exactly.

730

:

And just stare.

731

:

Shaun: Do something really awkward,

like pluck your pubic hair in

732

:

the bathroom with him showering.

733

:

Oh my God.

734

:

Oh, that's great.

735

:

Yeah, actually she should do that.

736

:

She should do that.

737

:

Yeah.

738

:

She should wax that shit

right in front of him or.

739

:

Spread her labias right there at the thing

and just wipe, go in and douche Just, just

740

:

go in and douche with him in the shower.

741

:

Yeah, get in the shower, get in.

742

:

That was a good idea, Sean.

743

:

Get in the shower with him and then piss.

744

:

Carissa: Oh my gosh.

745

:

Full exorcist moment.

746

:

Shaun: Yeah, it's

guaranteed He'll move out.

747

:

You don't ever have to worry

about him doing your dishes again.

748

:

Can you imagine that guy if somebody

just like crawls in the shower with

749

:

you and just full on waterfalls,

750

:

Carissa: I'm getting the fuck out

751

:

Shaun: of you.

752

:

Carissa: Or I'm throwing the bitch out.

753

:

Shaun: And if he's into

that, then he's trance.

754

:

His are, he's not into scat.

755

:

So just like squat and take a shit

in the shower with that, oh my god,

756

:

remember to use the back of the

fork to shove it down the drain.

757

:

Carissa: Oh Jesus.

758

:

Once

759

:

Shaun: again, we're back to shit.

760

:

Carissa: Yes,

761

:

Shaun: and put the fork in the

dishwasher with all of your, oh

762

:

wait, no, he is the dishwasher.

763

:

Nevermind.

764

:

Yeah.

765

:

Pay him the $50 to clean the

fork that you just used to

766

:

shove your shit down the drain.

767

:

Before we wrap this up, I

have one more quick one.

768

:

Someone who needs a little bit

of professional advice from you.

769

:

Oh God.

770

:

I'm not a professional.

771

:

Well,

772

:

Carissa: right now you have to be.

773

:

Yes, I'm a

774

:

Shaun: professional asshole.

775

:

Hi Peter.

776

:

Hi.

777

:

So I made a fake Instagram to stalk my ex.

778

:

Oh God.

779

:

But somehow my boss found it and

now thinks I'm a totally different

780

:

person with a cool, chaotic life.

781

:

She keeps inviting me.

782

:

She keeps inviting my alter

ego to networking events.

783

:

Do I confess or just show up in a wig?

784

:

In sunglasses?

785

:

Carissa: Oh my God.

786

:

Shaun: I have so many

questions on this one.

787

:

First off, why aren't you

invited to the work event?

788

:

Carissa: That's a good point.

789

:

Shaun: If you are not invited,

then why would you even make this

790

:

alter ego needs to get you a raise.

791

:

That's it.

792

:

Show up in the wig and sunglasses

and like schmooze over your bots.

793

:

That is such an old school Word, schmooze.

794

:

I like it.

795

:

Old school.

796

:

Yeah.

797

:

Schmooze over your, the boss and

freaking get you a fucking raise.

798

:

Get you invited to the party.

799

:

'cause you sound like a loser.

800

:

And what they invite, they created

this alter ego to stalk their ex.

801

:

Yes.

802

:

Yes.

803

:

Nevermind.

804

:

You're not invited to the party

because you're a serial killer.

805

:

Serial killer tendencies.

806

:

Yes.

807

:

And now your boss thinks that you're

like this nice person, but you're

808

:

really gonna gutter like a fish.

809

:

So that's why she doesn't

invite you to the parties.

810

:

This took a dark turn quickly.

811

:

It sure

812

:

Carissa: fucking did.

813

:

Shaun: Yeah.

814

:

She doesn't want you there.

815

:

It sounds like your personality is

shit, but your alter ego is awesome.

816

:

Carissa: I'm so confused.

817

:

Shaun: My advice is FSA because maybe

you'll get invited to the party and

818

:

then you'll turn out to be a turd at the

party and she won't invite you anymore.

819

:

And then everything's out

in the open, so to speak.

820

:

All the turds.

821

:

Yes.

822

:

So they need to know who you really are.

823

:

And this alter ego sounds

like they're better than you.

824

:

So go to the party, show that it's

you, and when you choose when you

825

:

fuck up, inevitably And everyone

knows that you had this alter.

826

:

Oh, that'll be awkward at work though.

827

:

You know the boss is gonna talk about it.

828

:

Probably.

829

:

Oh, for

830

:

Carissa: sure.

831

:

Shaun: Yeah.

832

:

That'd be awkward because

nothing's a secret these days.

833

:

No, especially not in the workplace.

834

:

Does her ex work with them?

835

:

Oh, that's a good question.

836

:

We've got something.

837

:

So you've gotta answer these

follow up questions for the

838

:

full solution from Peter.

839

:

Yeah.

840

:

This is too vague.

841

:

Does your ex work in the office

and how does, where did the

842

:

alter ego like meet your boss?

843

:

I

844

:

Carissa: got it.

845

:

The boss is the ex.

846

:

Shaun: Oh.

847

:

Oh, yeah.

848

:

Wait, is this a guy?

849

:

Alter ego?

850

:

They don't specify.

851

:

Carissa: The boss could

be Definitely be the ex.

852

:

Shaun: Yeah, the boss could be the

ex, but he said that, or whoever.

853

:

They said that this boss was a woman.

854

:

Yes, the boss is a woman.

855

:

Carissa: Oh, it must be a guy

because he said something about

856

:

putting on a wig and glasses.

857

:

Right.

858

:

Show up to the event.

859

:

Shaun: Yeah.

860

:

Watch.

861

:

He's like this big cholo dude

with the frigging muscles

862

:

like tattoos and everything.

863

:

In a beard.

864

:

Yeah.

865

:

You're not gonna hide that.

866

:

You're not gonna hide that.

867

:

Go try the wig and stuff.

868

:

Maybe you guys will be besties

'cause you'll think you're gay.

869

:

Yeah.

870

:

Or you the shot.

871

:

Yeah.

872

:

Or you can dick her down.

873

:

Get a raise.

874

:

Oh dick her down.

875

:

What is it?

876

:

Taco bump, not taco.

877

:

Bump,

878

:

Carissa: scissor.

879

:

Shaun: The clit.

880

:

Slit.

881

:

Clit.

882

:

Slit.

883

:

Isn't clit?

884

:

Clit?

885

:

Slit?

886

:

Yeah.

887

:

Carissa: I don't think

I've heard of that one.

888

:

Shaun: Oh my.

889

:

When you scissor, but the clits touch

890

:

Carissa: drip.

891

:

Shaun: What?

892

:

Carissa: Yeah, it's called tri.

893

:

Shaun: That sounds disgusting.

894

:

Dripping

895

:

Carissa: trip.

896

:

Tri.

897

:

Shaun: Oh, trim.

898

:

Okay.

899

:

Yes.

900

:

Why?

901

:

Why

902

:

Carissa: Coer bump.

903

:

Shaun: That sounds like a fist bump.

904

:

Carissa: It is basically, oh my God.

905

:

Vagina's a vagina.

906

:

Shaun: What if one of you rieves?

907

:

Carissa: Oh, well, it happens.

908

:

Shaun: Ew.

909

:

Is that like, burping

into someone else's mouth?

910

:

Carissa: I guess so that's, remember,

this has never happened to me.

911

:

Shaun: It'll happen now.

912

:

Oh my God.

913

:

It will happen now.

914

:

And that's enough chaotic

bullshit for one day.

915

:

If you've learned anything, it's that

people are wild, pets are petty, and

916

:

roommates will absolutely ruin your life.

917

:

Keep sending your messy confessions

and your garbage problems.

918

:

I'll keep serving the savage

truth with zero sugar coating

919

:

and a side of profanity.

920

:

I'm Peter this with Savage Solutions.

921

:

Until next time, stay messy, stay

savage and don't trust anyone.

922

:

Thinks pranks, count as

a fucking personality.

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About the Podcast

Apocalypse & Avocados with Peter, Shaun, and Carissa.
Three queer millennials—a sarcastic fitness instructor, a stoner drag enthusiast, and his brutally honest boyfriend—tackle the chaos of modern life with unfiltered humor and overpriced produce.
Three queer millennials—a sarcastic fitness instructor, a stoner drag enthusiast, and his brutally honest boyfriend—tackle the chaos of modern life with unfiltered humor and overpriced produce. From dating apps to climate dread, nothing’s off-limits. It’s part survival guide, part group therapy, all too real.

New episodes every Monday & Thursday.

Follow us on Facebook and our other socials: IG & Threads Apocalypse_and_Avocados; Snapchat, X, & Bluesky @ApocAndAvocados; TikTok @apocalypse.and.Avocados

Because if we’re going down, we’re doing it with guac and gay panic.

About your host

Profile picture for Peter Perez

Peter Perez