Peter's Savage Solutions (Minisode Series) Episode 1

Peter: 00:00:00

Hello everyone and welcome to my first mini Sode Peter's

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Savage Solutions where therapy

is expensive, but Reddit is free.

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Tonight we're serving up relationship

drama hotter than Gaycation and

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Aha roommate chaos, and enough

awkward dating stories to make

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you question your own taste.

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Buckle up because if you think you've got

problems, you clearly haven't seen these.

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Hey everyone, it's Peter here for my first

mini Sode and I'm joined with Sean today.

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How are you doing?

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Shaun: Hello?

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I'm doing good.

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Peter: Awesome, awesome.

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So we're here for my first mini sode,

where I serve my brutal honesty on a

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platter for every single person to hear.

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So how this is gonna work is Sean's gonna

share some stories that he found on the

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internet and some that people send in.

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And I'll just give you some advice.

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So take it away, Sean,

whenever you're ready.

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Shaun: All right.

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Let's see here.

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Let's start with this one.

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So my 42-year-old husband,

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Peter: oh, this is

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Shaun: good already.

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I am a 43 2-year-old female has informed

me he intends to go on a gay ca with

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his brother-in-law, 35 male in Ibiza.

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Aha.

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Ibiza.

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How do you say that?

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Aha.

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Aha.

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How do I handle this?

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Peter: Ooh.

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With a dildo first off.

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That's what it sounds like.

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But anyway, I will try

and withhold judgment.

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Shaun: So, hi there.

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I really wish I , didn't have to

make this post, but here it goes.

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So me and my husband have been happily

married for about 16 years, give or take.

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Clearly not.

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We both have stable careers, good family

life, and are fairly fortunate despite the

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cost of living racking the UK right now.

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Peter: Ooh, I did not

expect them to be English.

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Oh, well, sorry.

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From the uk

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Shaun: we have two boys, 15

and 10, and up until Sunday I

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thought we had it pretty good.

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We argue sometimes, of course, but

never get too bad and we have pretty

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decent sex with some exploration.

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Peter: Clearly not because there you

have sex once every five years won.

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That's why you have two children.

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Shaun: But I won't get into that.

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Long and short is on Sunday, just

after I dropped our boys off at

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their friends, my husband asked me.

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We had the house alone, and more

importantly, do I have a minute?

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I said yes, and he sat me down and then

got out this printed poster for some

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sort of orgy and started explaining

to me the concept of a gaycation.

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It's where straight men go somewhere

with sun, sand, and booze and become

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gay for the duration of the trip.

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But that's fine because it

doesn't actually count, because

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that happens on a gaycation.

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What happens on a Gaycation

stays on the Gaycation.

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I was completely silent and mortified

even more so when he said he was

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going to be looking into booking a

trip to Abitha next year with his

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brother-in-law, his sister's husband.

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Peter: Oh, so some family drama here.

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First off, I want to point out

that you are not happily married.

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Because if you were then you probably

would've used some dildos at this

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point and you would've satisfied your

husband because he is clearly not

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satisfied and he wants to go do some

anal plunging and exploring for himself.

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So, yes, please continue.

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Oh wait, sorry.

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This is with the brother-in-law too

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Shaun: also.

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Can I say that that is

not what a gaycation is?

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Peter: No, it is basically an orgy though.

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Shaun: Don't get me wrong, a lot

of gays will probably have an orgy

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on their gaycation, but it is not

for straight men to go and explore

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being gay for the time being.

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Peter: No, and it is not a hall pass.

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Your husband likes dick.

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So just moving on.

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Shaun: So he was adamant.

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He doesn't find men's bodies or

their genitalia exciting at all,

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but he needs to experience this.

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I said, that's not the case.

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I said, well, I'm really not comfortable

because even if he was bi, this

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would be explicitly cheating on me.

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And he got angry and reiterated

he's not, because that's the

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beauty of the Gaycation, et cetera.

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Peter: Okay.

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I don't understand where

this gives you a hall pass.

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You want to go ahead and you

wanna be a butthole pirate.

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That is your business.

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That's totally fine.

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But you can't sit here and tell your

wife of God knows how long you've

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been happily married, 16 years.

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16, give or take 16 years.

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Okay.

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And in that time period you had sex

one set 10 years and then one set

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15 because you have two children.

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That's probably it.

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But yeah, this isn't a

free fucking hall pass.

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So this woman better do

something and kick him out or

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get dildos and explore his anus.

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I don't know.

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Shaun: I just had enough

and left the room.

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I ignored him for the rest of the day,

but we spoke at t where I again asked him

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why he wants this so bad if he's not gay.

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He said how he's interested in how

gay men's lives differ to straight

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men's, and that unfortunately, once

the gaycation begins, it's simply

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impossible for a man to resist.

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Must surrender himself, mind, body, and

soul to the Gaycation or be destroyed?

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Peter: Well, he'll definitely be

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Shaun: destroyed.

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His asshole will be destroyed

by the end of this Gaycation.

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Peter: Yes, definitely.

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But why is he comparing this

gaycation to an ayahuasca trip?

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Shaun: I have no idea.

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Peter: Like when you

start, you can't stop.

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Shaun: I feel like he, he saw some

kind of crazy Hollywood movie and

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he's thinking that's what his life

is gonna be like if he does this.

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Peter: It's like a baby bottle pop.

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So once the cock pops,

you just can't stop.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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This sounds inappropriate.

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Shaun: I really can't put into

words how surreal it was because he

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was speaking so matter of factly.

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He again insists that this is a

thing that straight men do all the

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time in how he's actually doing it.

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A bit late.

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I just said to him, if he has any love

for me, then he can't go ahead with this,

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and if he does, the marriage will be dead.

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We didn't speak anymore after that.

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Since then, he's mentioned no more

of it, but somehow, and this is

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what scares me a lot, that decision

generally seems to be tearing him apart.

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He didn't go,

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Peter: oh, I'm sure it was,

and you're in your garage.

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It was surely tearing him apart.

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Oh my God, I can only

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Shaun: a large phallic object.

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Peter: I'm sure it was.

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He was probably douching

with anything he could find.

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She is not satisfying

his very needs at all.

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But again, he didn't divulge that he

liked Dick, i'm on her side right now.

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Shaun: So what is your advice for her?

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Peter: My advice for her

is to stop being a dipshit.

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Talk to your husband.

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Say if you don't feel sexually satisfied,

is there anything that I can do?

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Is there anything I can put in your ass?

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We'll start with fingers.

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We can move all the way up to fist 'cause

it sounds like that's what you want

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when you're going on your gaycation.

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We can go as far as you want.

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We can go elbow deep.

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Shaun: You wanted to be ready for

that, at least by the end of it.

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Peter: Well, with her dainty

wrists, I'm not sure that he'll be

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ready for that kind of plunging.

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But yeah, you just need to talk

to him or you just need to, while

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you're having your what was it?

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Satisfactory sex.

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Shaun: She said that their

sex life was pretty decent.

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Decent, not with some exploration.

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Peter: Decent is not something that

you should compare your sex life to.

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So next time when you're having sex, I

should say fornication because you're.

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British or, yeah.

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So I'm gonna say that

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Shaun: from the uk that's what we know.

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Peter: Yeah.

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That's all we know.

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But still, I should say fornication

because it sounds more proper for you.

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However, next time you're having

sex, maybe just pop a thumb in there.

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See how he enjoys it.

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Yeah.

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It might make 'em harder.

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I don't know.

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This is really hard.

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She wishes anyway.

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Yeah.

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I think that you should explore his Anus.

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Shaun: Anus.

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Peter: Yeah.

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Explore that because it's

clear that that's the sort of

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pleasure he wants right now.

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And if it doesn't work out with you, then

you've only wasted 16 years of your life.

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Oh my God.

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And you don't really need

to start all over again.

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You have both children.

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They can just go from there.

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And when you're in diapers, you're gonna

wish that you shoved a finger in his ass.

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Shaun: Would you like to know

how things turned out for her?

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What her, what she did?

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Peter: She seems like the

kind of catty person to kick

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somebody out, so please continue.

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Shaun: Yes, update.

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I've contacted my husband to tell him

he won't be staying at home tonight.

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A bag would be waiting for him.

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As you can imagine, we argued quite badly.

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I won't go into the specifics,

but now I'm 100% on board with

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the fact that at minimum he's bi.

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Might even be gay altogether.

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We've had arguments in the past, but

I genuinely never seen him have such

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a childish , tantrum before screaming

about how, I just don't understand.

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Peter: Well, I don't think women

should have anal because you don't

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have prostates, so she definitely

doesn't understand my God.

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However with throwing the trash bag

out you're being a little generous,

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but also you're stupid because

you're kicking your husband out.

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He is clearly staying with you.

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If he wants to go, fuck

dude, that's all on him.

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But you need the double income.

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So let him stay in your house

while he goes to fuck dudes and you

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can go out and do whatever it is

you do to pleasure yourself, but

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you'll still be financially secure.

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Shaun: That's one way to look at it.

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Peter: Yeah.

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She's got two kids.

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There's no way she's just doing

that by herself and then keeping

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him, I guess she, she's financially

sound 'cause she kicked his ass out.

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So nevermind.

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No, not nevermind.

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Yeah, you should still

keep the double income.

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It's really good for you

to go to sex parties.

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Uh oh.

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And meet someone new.

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Oh my God.

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So you can have decent sex.

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Shaun: More decent sex.

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Peter: Yes, decent with some

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Shaun: exploration.

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Peter: That is the word every person wants

to hear when it comes to their sex life.

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Decent.

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Shaun: All right.

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I've got a short one for you here.

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Peter: Okay I hope you have a

short one for unnamed there.

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Two.

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Shaun: I am new to Reddit and

hoping to seek some guidance

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while keeping my identity private.

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I've been with my partner

for nearly a decade.

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Our relationship is strong.

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We live together and run

a business side by side.

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However, in recent years, I've been

feeling a strong desire to explore

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my sexuality with another man.

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This feeling has intensified over time.

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Peter: So first off, can I point out

he's trying to keep this anonymous,

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but now we know he is a man.

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This is why we should not use

pronouns anyway, moving on.

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Shaun: This feeling has

intensified over time.

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While I still care for my partner, my

physical attraction to him has diminished.

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I realize this might seem superficial,

but he has gained significant weight

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and doesn't seem to prioritize

his health like he used to.

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Additionally, he often

struggles with depression and

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tends to dwell in negativity.

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As we both age, I feel conflicted

because I yearn for a fit positive

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partner, at least in a sexual sense.

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Peter: Okay, so we heard the word fit.

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First off on this, so you're

from either the UK or Australia.

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This is quite fit, so

we know where you are.

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Mr.

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Anonymous, continue.

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Shaun: I've attempted to discuss

my feelings with him, but he tends

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to react emotionally and it often

leads to irrational conversations.

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There's a lot more to my situation,

but I'm really looking for supportive

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and understanding feedback.

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I've been grappling with this for far

too long and could use some kindness.

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Peter: What you could use

is some fucking therapy.

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First off, second off, your husband's

getting fat 'cause you're depressing

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him because you want a fit partner.

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However, if you weren't such a

judgmental bitch, you would know that

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he's suffering with depression, so

that might cause him to numb, nom,

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nom, nom, nom, nom, and not numb.

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Nom, nom, nom your asshole,

which is clearly what you want.

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On top of that, this situation

I find absolutely disgusting.

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When two gays get into a relationship

and someone gains weight this sounds

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kind of like our relationship.

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But when somebody gains weight they

have enough hatred for themself

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when they used to be skinny.

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You don't need to pile that on

like some petty little bitch.

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And then you're sitting here saying,

oh, how do I approach this with him?

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Do you not hear how much of a fucking

dick wa do you sound like I wanna

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approach the fact that you're fat fuck

now and you don't wanna have sex with me.

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You're overeating, you're fucking Doritos,

or whatever crisps you call it over there.

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And.

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Where you're like, oh, okay,

well I wanna bring it to him.

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'cause I want someone who's fucking

skinny and takes care of their health.

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How about you get his mental

health back in check and I'm

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sure the rest will follow.

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But when these bit, I really hate

this fucking word, can't you tell?

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Mm-hmm.

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When bit people decide that their

partner is getting overweight.

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That's the reason you don't love them

anymore, then you are incapable of love.

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So you should fuck off.

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You should love your

partner no matter what.

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And also studies show that the bigger

the belly, the better the lover.

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So you should probably fucking

explore that a little bit more.

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And Pop has Zian has fucking asshole

so that you guys can enjoy your sex.

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Shaun: Oh my gosh.

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Peter: Yeah.

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That's my take.

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Shaun: I don't disagree with you.

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I feel like that is a common

thing in relationships, especially

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long-term relationships.

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And if you're truly gonna be

together, you have to find a way

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to work through those things.

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Peter: You have to find a way to

go to the fucking gym together.

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Make it subtle.

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Start making healthy meals.

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Wait a minute, we didn't mention

if he's the cook in the household.

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'cause if he is the cook in

the household, it's your fault.

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Shaun: Well he, he said that

there's a lot more to the situation.

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But by saying that and then saying

that you're looking for supportive

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and understanding feedback.

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It sounds like you already

know that you're the one in the

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wrong and you just want someone

to tell you that you're right.

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Peter: Yeah.

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And you're not being supportive.

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Like you're being the opposite

of what you're looking for.

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You're being a fucking douche canoe.

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You need to shape up or ship

the fuck out motherfucker.

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'cause it sounds like the depressed guy

is actually a better fit for other people.

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Shaun: Yeah.

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Potentially.

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Maybe you're the reason he is depressed.

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Peter: You're the drama.

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Shaun: Are you the drama?

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Peter: Yeah.

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He fucking definitely is.

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And he probably, he sounds like a twink.

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And he really does.

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They are probably the most superficial

people in the gay community.

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Shaun: It, it's weird though,

'cause it can go one of two ways.

331

: 00:16:48

They're either super, like

really superficial and

332

: 00:16:51

hateful or they're not at all.

333

: 00:16:55

Peter: Yeah, it anything

in life can go one do ways.

334

: 00:16:58

No, I mean, it's never

335

: 00:16:59

Shaun: right in the middle.

336

: 00:17:00

It's it's always one extreme or the other.

337

: 00:17:02

Peter: But this one you can

definitely tell it's a twink.

338

: 00:17:05

It's a twink and you probably

look like a fucking stick bug.

339

: 00:17:09

And you're sitting over here, the

man's gonna keep you warm at night.

340

: 00:17:12

You may not like the extra poundage,

but it will benefit you in the long run.

341

: 00:17:16

Hmm.

342

: 00:17:17

Why don't you eat a fucking cheeseburger?

343

: 00:17:20

Yeah.

344

: 00:17:21

Yeah.

345

: 00:17:22

And I'm sorry if you're vegan.

346

: 00:17:24

And eat a fucking eggplant burger.

347

: 00:17:26

Eat an impossible burger.

348

: 00:17:27

Yeah.

349

: 00:17:28

Those

350

: 00:17:28

Shaun: are really good.

351

: 00:17:29

Peter: Impossible for them to

fucking be supportive to their fat.

352

: 00:17:33

Fuck.

353

: 00:17:33

That's going nuts.

354

: 00:17:34

Over here is clearly some underlying

issue and it starts with a twink.

355

: 00:17:39

Shaun: Hmm.

356

: 00:17:40

Do we have time for one more?

357

: 00:17:42

Peter: Sure.

358

: 00:17:43

Alright, I will support you in this.

359

: 00:17:45

See how easy that was.

360

: 00:17:47

Shaun: So this is a series of

hookup slash dating stories.

361

: 00:17:53

Oh, Jesus Christ.

362

: 00:17:54

Rolled into one.

363

: 00:17:56

I hooked up with a guy and the

very, that very night he told

364

: 00:17:59

me he wanted to live together.

365

: 00:18:01

Next year, I noted the fuck out of

his room, and the next week found

366

: 00:18:05

his blog in which he detailed his

plans to reel her in, have a baby

367

: 00:18:10

and psychologically destroy her.

368

: 00:18:12

He was expelled from college

the following week for having a

369

: 00:18:15

couple machetes, a sword, and a

bunch of rocket fuel in his room.

370

: 00:18:19

Peter: What the fuck was he gonna do?

371

: 00:18:21

Napalm, the bitches pussy.

372

: 00:18:23

Shaun: I don't know.

373

: 00:18:24

Peter: He was gonna gut

her like a fucking fish.

374

: 00:18:28

He was gonna lay her to the side and

fucking cut that open from quit to

375

: 00:18:32

freaking nose and then light it on fire.

376

: 00:18:37

She says with Cass,

377

: 00:18:38

Shaun: I sure know how to pick him.

378

: 00:18:40

Went on a blind date with a guy

once, and within two hours of meeting

379

: 00:18:44

him, he took my phone and started

deleting all the male contacts.

380

: 00:18:48

His reason when I asked him

what the fuck he was doing,

381

: 00:18:51

it's not healthy to have this.

382

: 00:18:53

So many men in your life, don't worry, I'm

going to be here to help you through this.

383

: 00:18:58

Peter: Um, excuse me, after two hours.

384

: 00:19:02

Two

385

: 00:19:03

Shaun: hours.

386

: 00:19:04

I have a que Why was he, why did he

have your phone in the first place?

387

: 00:19:07

Peter: Yeah.

388

: 00:19:08

Why did he have your phone?

389

: 00:19:10

Yeah I would be on his side for this.

390

: 00:19:12

Why the fuck do you have

so many men in your phone?

391

: 00:19:15

But yeah, I wouldn't

be deleting that shit.

392

: 00:19:17

And.

393

: 00:19:17

Second off.

394

: 00:19:18

Like why, why, why?

395

: 00:19:22

He sounds like a

controlling serial killer.

396

: 00:19:24

You should get away from

that fucking Bundy there.

397

: 00:19:27

It's like he's

398

: 00:19:27

Shaun: just going through Jonathan.

399

: 00:19:28

Who's John?

400

: 00:19:29

That's my cousin.

401

: 00:19:30

Peter: Yeah.

402

: 00:19:31

He wants to wear Cory.

403

: 00:19:32

Who?

404

: 00:19:32

Who's Cory?

405

: 00:19:34

He wants to wear your skin, so you

should probably get away from that.

406

: 00:19:38

You definitely know how to pick 'em.

407

: 00:19:39

Where are you finding them?

408

: 00:19:40

Serial killers anonymous.

409

: 00:19:42

Shaun: I that's my question.

410

: 00:19:43

Like how did you come across this?

411

: 00:19:45

But that was a blind date.

412

: 00:19:47

Peter: Oh, well, I'm sure she would've

been blind had she gone go home with him.

413

: 00:19:50

He would've put her eyes in a fucking jar.

414

: 00:19:53

Shaun: Some of these get I

don't know that they get better,

415

: 00:19:55

but they're just as crazy.

416

: 00:19:58

I had a guy text me 60 times within

one hour to come over and hang out.

417

: 00:20:03

Never responded to any of the

texts, but he just kept them coming.

418

: 00:20:08

Peter: C-U-M-M-I-N-G?

419

: 00:20:10

No,

420

: 00:20:12

Shaun: no, this is C-O-M-I-N-G.

421

: 00:20:15

Peter: Okay.

422

: 00:20:15

60 fucking texts.

423

: 00:20:17

Was he sitting outside your house?

424

: 00:20:18

He probably was.

425

: 00:20:20

He's seeing you from the

windows he's looking at you.

426

: 00:20:23

Shaun: Probably.

427

: 00:20:24

Peter: Yeah.

428

: 00:20:24

He's looking at you and

masturbating from the fucking trees.

429

: 00:20:27

Shaun: Oh my God.

430

: 00:20:28

He seems like that is like

the guy in Little Nicky.

431

: 00:20:30

Peter: Yeah.

432

: 00:20:30

He seems like that asshole or that creep.

433

: 00:20:35

There was a peeper, right?

434

: 00:20:37

Yeah.

435

: 00:20:37

There was a peeper that would

freaking go out and jerk off

436

: 00:20:40

in trees to some bitch's tits.

437

: 00:20:42

That's what he's doing, but he can

only see you like screening his texts

438

: 00:20:47

and he is like getting off on it.

439

: 00:20:48

So he just keeps texting you.

440

: 00:20:50

Shaun: Oh my.

441

: 00:20:51

Maybe there are probably people like that.

442

: 00:20:53

Everyone.

443

: 00:20:53

There's a kink for everything.

444

: 00:20:55

Peter: Yeah, he's definitely got a kink.

445

: 00:20:57

There's a notch in his fucking cock

now because of him masturbating to her.

446

: 00:21:01

Shaun: Ignoring, oh my god.

447

: 00:21:03

All right, continuing was on a second

date with a guy to a sushi place.

448

: 00:21:10

He brought his own chopsticks and would

only use his own pen to fill out the sushi

449

: 00:21:14

form and sign the credit card receipt.

450

: 00:21:17

Peter: Oh my God.

451

: 00:21:18

Germaphobe a germaphobe.

452

: 00:21:20

So is he.

453

: 00:21:21

It's a second date.

454

: 00:21:22

She sounds like a hoe.

455

: 00:21:23

First off.

456

: 00:21:26

Second off.

457

: 00:21:27

Shaun: We don't know how close

together these dates were.

458

: 00:21:29

Yeah,

459

: 00:21:29

Peter: we don't.

460

: 00:21:30

But it sounds like she

hooked up with all of them.

461

: 00:21:34

It just does.

462

: 00:21:35

We are not slut

463

: 00:21:36

Shaun: shaming

464

: 00:21:36

Peter: here.

465

: 00:21:36

No, but do to each his own.

466

: 00:21:39

By all means pimp your pussy out.

467

: 00:21:41

But.

468

: 00:21:43

What?

469

: 00:21:43

And he, oh, okay.

470

: 00:21:44

So he's a germaphobe.

471

: 00:21:46

Is he gonna be okay with

going down there and you know,

472

: 00:21:51

eating it out like shellfish?

473

: 00:21:53

Shaun: Probably not.

474

: 00:21:54

But I have a question.

475

: 00:21:55

How did a germaphobe go

out to eat in general?

476

: 00:21:58

Because you brought your own chopsticks.

477

: 00:22:00

Those come wrapped, so you couldn't,

478

: 00:22:03

Peter: not Unless they're the metal

ones where you like sterilize them.

479

: 00:22:07

Shaun: I've never been to a restaurant.

480

: 00:22:08

Okay, maybe I have.

481

: 00:22:10

Peter: Yeah, so he brought

his own chopsticks.

482

: 00:22:13

He's gonna bring his own dental damn too.

483

: 00:22:16

He's really he's really gonna avoid that.

484

: 00:22:18

Those those germs on your ppo.

485

: 00:22:20

Shaun: I don't have the experience

of knowing how often those are

486

: 00:22:24

handy, but I can't imagine.

487

: 00:22:25

It's all the time.

488

: 00:22:26

So if he wanted to use one, it's probably

his responsibility to bring, he has a

489

: 00:22:30

Peter: whole fucking

drawer's, what it sounds like.

490

: 00:22:34

Old drawer.

491

: 00:22:35

He double wraps.

492

: 00:22:37

Shaun: Last story from her

dated a self-proclaimed scene.

493

: 00:22:41

King literally had a notebook of people's

names and how many scene points they had.

494

: 00:22:48

After a month or so realized he was

indeed crazy and broke up with him.

495

: 00:22:53

When I did, he screamed.

496

: 00:22:54

You just committed scene suicide.

497

: 00:22:58

Peter: What the fuck does that even mean?

498

: 00:23:00

Wait, is this a scene?

499

: 00:23:01

Like scene kid?

500

: 00:23:03

Yeah.

501

: 00:23:03

Like with the hair and everything?

502

: 00:23:05

Yeah.

503

: 00:23:06

Oh my God.

504

: 00:23:08

Scene points.

505

: 00:23:09

There's a point system

506

: 00:23:11

Shaun: I didn't know.

507

: 00:23:12

I had no idea.

508

: 00:23:13

Listen, I went to school with a lot,

high school with a lot of scene kids.

509

: 00:23:16

Peter: Yeah, I didn't.

510

: 00:23:17

I did too.

511

: 00:23:18

Shaun: I didn't know

there was a point system.

512

: 00:23:19

I would've been trying to get in on that.

513

: 00:23:21

I'm very competitive.

514

: 00:23:22

I

515

: 00:23:22

Peter: was a scene kid and I didn't

know there was a point system.

516

: 00:23:25

Clearly I was not seeing

enough, but like what?

517

: 00:23:29

Shaun: No, I've seen pictures.

518

: 00:23:30

You definitely would've been

like up there on the scoreboard.

519

: 00:23:34

Peter: There, I didn't know

there was a scoreboard.

520

: 00:23:37

That's, this is the point.

521

: 00:23:38

What the fuck does that even mean?

522

: 00:23:41

And how did you come,

she must be seen too.

523

: 00:23:45

Shaun: How can she not be, I dunno if

he was dating her, it was keeping a

524

: 00:23:49

notebook of scene points for people.

525

: 00:23:51

I wonder how many scene points she had.

526

: 00:23:53

Peter: I wanna know what

qualifies as a scene point.

527

: 00:23:55

Is it just the hair or is like

the eyeliner out of whack?

528

: 00:23:59

So that's like a point deduction.

529

: 00:24:02

I don't fucking know.

530

: 00:24:03

Do you

531

: 00:24:03

Shaun: have to know all the

words to every Bright Eye song?

532

: 00:24:06

Peter: I always wondered if girls

had since they have the scene

533

: 00:24:10

hair, do they have like scene hair?

534

: 00:24:12

Cut pubes.

535

: 00:24:14

Does it have like the bang to the side?

536

: 00:24:16

The angled

537

: 00:24:16

Shaun: D Yeah.

538

: 00:24:16

Yeah.

539

: 00:24:17

Maybe

540

: 00:24:18

Peter: angled merckin down there.

541

: 00:24:20

Hers was a little off one.

542

: 00:24:22

Cunt hair off.

543

: 00:24:24

Shaun: No, they give it

like a a raccoon tail.

544

: 00:24:26

A coon tail down there.

545

: 00:24:29

Peter: Yeah.

546

: 00:24:29

She didn't have enough stripes down there.

547

: 00:24:33

So she wanted, how many dates was this?

548

: 00:24:35

Shaun: She said it was a

month in, after a month.

549

: 00:24:37

A month.

550

: 00:24:37

You dated him for a month

of him keeping a notebook of

551

: 00:24:40

people's names and scene points.

552

: 00:24:41

He was allotting them.

553

: 00:24:42

Peter: Yeah.

554

: 00:24:43

And your points.

555

: 00:24:45

So where did you rank?

556

: 00:24:47

I wanna know, uh, I have

557

: 00:24:48

Shaun: so many questions for this person.

558

: 00:24:50

Where the fuck

559

: 00:24:50

Peter: does she find these people?

560

: 00:24:52

That's what I wanna know.

561

: 00:24:53

Where

562

: 00:24:53

Shaun: is she from?

563

: 00:24:55

Where are you that, yeah.

564

: 00:24:56

That all of these people

are in your dating pool.

565

: 00:24:59

Peter: Yeah.

566

: 00:25:00

'cause I wanna know what state to avoid,

because this sounds really dangerous.

567

: 00:25:05

It sounds like there's a lot of

serial killers in your area, like

568

: 00:25:08

Shaun: what is going on where you live?

569

: 00:25:11

Peter: Apparently not enough.

570

: 00:25:12

So they're killing each other

and eating each other and

571

: 00:25:15

deleting each other's contacts.

572

: 00:25:16

These all sound like fucking douche bags,

but it also sounds like your ass just

573

: 00:25:22

attracts them, so maybe you should move.

574

: 00:25:24

Move somewhere where there are

less attractive men, or by your

575

: 00:25:28

standards, less attractive men.

576

: 00:25:31

And maybe you should start keeping

a journal of all of these men and

577

: 00:25:34

the qualities that you don't like

because you clearly attract everything

578

: 00:25:38

that's wrong with every man.

579

: 00:25:41

They all want to wear your skin.

580

: 00:25:44

They wanna take your fucking

breasts and remove them and lick

581

: 00:25:48

them and just, I don't know.

582

: 00:25:51

She found like the mother

load of Dahmers and Bundys,

583

: 00:25:55

Shaun: I have a theory.

584

: 00:25:56

She is either like way too nice to

people, it just talks to everyone

585

: 00:26:02

and then people, and gives everyone

the chance and therefore ends up

586

: 00:26:07

with these crazy lunatics or she is

just as fucking crazy as they are.

587

: 00:26:13

Yeah.

588

: 00:26:14

And she's attracting

someone just like herself

589

: 00:26:17

Peter: or she just gives it way too

freely or that, that's what I'm saying.

590

: 00:26:21

She's throwing that pong poon everywhere.

591

: 00:26:24

That little coontail

Merkin is all over town.

592

: 00:26:28

Oh my God.

593

: 00:26:28

They all know her.

594

: 00:26:29

They all keep it.

595

: 00:26:30

They're keeping journals on her.

596

: 00:26:32

They wanna see how many

597

: 00:26:34

Shaun: points she gets.

598

: 00:26:35

That's actually how she met them

when she was getting her Coontail.

599

: 00:26:37

Merkin done.

600

: 00:26:38

Peter: Yeah.

601

: 00:26:40

I don't know.

602

: 00:26:41

I don't know how she could

have dealt with Germa fo boy.

603

: 00:26:45

She probably, no, that

was second date, right?

604

: 00:26:47

Second date with the chocolate.

605

: 00:26:48

Yeah, that was

606

: 00:26:49

Shaun: second date.

607

: 00:26:50

Peter: I hope there wasn't a third.

608

: 00:26:51

But knowing her.

609

: 00:26:53

I don't know her, but it sounds like

there was a third and a fourth if the D

610

: 00:26:56

Shaun: was good enough.

611

: 00:26:57

I'm sure she went back for a third.

612

: 00:26:58

I'm sure the germophobe

thing didn't scare her off.

613

: 00:27:02

Peter: It would've scared me off.

614

: 00:27:04

What are you gonna do?

615

: 00:27:05

How do you even hold hands

when you're germaphobe?

616

: 00:27:08

Shaun: I don't know.

617

: 00:27:09

Peter: Does he finger you?

618

: 00:27:10

Oh, if he does, yeah.

619

: 00:27:13

With one

620

: 00:27:13

Shaun: of those little finger condoms.

621

: 00:27:15

Peter: That sounds terrible.

622

: 00:27:18

That sounds, that sounds

like it carries more germs.

623

: 00:27:22

That's than, that's in her pussy.

624

: 00:27:25

I'm just saying.

625

: 00:27:26

Oh my God.

626

: 00:27:27

So I guess moral of the story

is don't look for all of these

627

: 00:27:32

serial killers in your life.

628

: 00:27:34

Don't let your husband

go on a gaycation to aha.

629

: 00:27:39

When he cl you can clearly satisfy him

by shoving a few fingers in his ass.

630

: 00:27:44

Pegging is fine.

631

: 00:27:45

Pegging is fine.

632

: 00:27:47

Yeah.

633

: 00:27:47

Peg him.

634

: 00:27:48

Peg him hard.

635

: 00:27:49

'cause clearly that's what he wants.

636

: 00:27:51

And yeah.

637

: 00:27:53

I don't really have anything else to say.

638

: 00:27:55

These people are fucking nuts.

639

: 00:27:56

And stop fat shaming your

640

: 00:27:57

Shaun: partners.

641

: 00:27:57

Peter: Yes.

642

: 00:27:57

Stop fat shaming.

643

: 00:27:59

'cause it sounds like you're just a

dick ball and you probably need to,

644

: 00:28:04

I don't know, have a cock shoved down

your throat so you can't breathe.

645

: 00:28:07

Just thing he might like that.

646

: 00:28:10

No, no.

647

: 00:28:11

He just sounds like he

needs to eat something.

648

: 00:28:13

'Cause maybe I'm just hungry.

649

: 00:28:16

He sounds like an asshole.

650

: 00:28:17

Mm,

651

: 00:28:18

Shaun: an impossible burger.

652

: 00:28:18

Sounds really good right now.

653

: 00:28:20

Peter: Yeah.

654

: 00:28:21

Not when I'm thinking about him

and him like getting pissed off

655

: 00:28:25

about his partner's 300 pound life

we don't even know how big he is.

656

: 00:28:30

We don't, but shit, it

can't be that substantial.

657

: 00:28:33

Yeah, no, I agree.

658

: 00:28:35

But anyway, that's a wrap.

659

: 00:28:36

Remember, if your love life

feels like a dumpster fire,

660

: 00:28:41

you're absolutely not alone.

661

: 00:28:43

Thanks for tuning in and if you've

got stories they can call top these.

662

: 00:28:47

Slide into our dms.

663

: 00:28:48

We're dying to hear 'em.

664

: 00:28:50

Until next time, stay petty,

stay honest, and maybe keep

665

: 00:28:53

those seam kings at a distance.

666

: 00:28:56

Bye bye.